I wake up in a fog. My head is pounding. Someone stands over me, asking if I’m okay. Despite the ringing in my ears and thumping vein in my forehead, I hear the voice say, “You came in here almost an hour ago.”

I gaze up at the tall blonde standing over me and ask her where I am. It’s then I realize that I’m leaning on a shelf full of cake mix and frosting. ‘Aha,’ I think. That would account for part of the headache. Her response to me is barely audible. Something with a W? Winco? Wal-Mart maybe? I open my mouth to speak again, but my taste buds stop me with a stench of unknown origin seeping out from the back of my throat. The sweet woman helps me up and
tells me it’s ten to midnight.

“Ah, crap,” I mumble, “How the hell…?” I can’t finish. Must’ve gotten up too fast. She walks me towards the exit, letting me lean heavily on her. I can’t help but trip on my own feet and the woman grabs me tighter to keep me from falling. I pause for a moment; the woman releases her grip slightly on my waist. I recall seven o’clock. The party began at my place. So how did I get here? I glance down to see my tennis shoes and party dress. There’s a small
scrape on my knee. As I reach down to touch it, my body sinks forward, ready for a serious face-plant. Luckily, the blonde woman is paying attention and pulls me back up.

“Woah, woah,” she says, “Come on, let’s get you
outside.”

I mumble to her, “Why are you open so late? Did I miss the ball drop?”

She chuckles and rolls her green eyes, “No, but if ya
don’t hurry you will!”

We reach the exit. “Do you think you can manage?” she asks me. I nod and smile. She lets go of me, handing me the small satin bag she’d had tucked under her arm. I nod again taking it from her and put my hand through the wrist loop. My first few steps are very slow. I manage to say thanks as I waddle out through the automatic doors. Frosty air catches me and I wish I’d thought to wear a jacket. This skimpy black dress was clearly a mistake. If it weren’t for my friend Niki, I could’ve just worn the same old jeans and blouse I wear every New Year’s.

“Damn you Niki,” I say furthering my steps into the cold winter. I stare up at the building once I’m far enough away. Yup, Winco. Just as I suspected. “Then I’m not too far,” I say with glee. As I start my trek home, my mind searches for the lost hours. Kelly came over first, she brought snacks and beer. Gradually more and more people showed up. Hank set up pong in the basement. It seemed like it would be quite a successful evening. Then again, by the way I’m feelin,’ mission accomplished. Nothing else comes to mind and then a gust of wind hits me. I wrap my arms around myself and wish I was still wasted.

I remember hearing once that the chef on the Titanic was drunk; that’s how he survived. That movie was garbage besides the ending. That’s what I would do if I was stuck on a massive ship and it was goin’ down. Chug a lug chug. They don’t give us drunkards enough credit. My thoughts spiral off, as they usually do. I imagine myself finding a quiet spot by a tree in the park nearby and laying down. Eventually I would close my eyes. My friends would find me later in the afternoon. They would check my pulse. Hypothermia! I laugh at myself for such a ridiculous thought process.

Along my walk home, I stop at the art museum, staring at the glass doors with the sign listing hours of operation. “That might be fun,” I say. I shuffle over to the entrance still holding my arms tightly around myself, and push my face onto the glass, cupping my eyes. It’s too dark to really see anything, but for some reason I continue to sit there. My arms begin to shake from the cold. I love this feeling, reveling in it; the harshness of winter against bare skin. It’s like a punishment or adrenaline thing. I’m not really sure; I just know I love the uncomfortable bitter cold. I finally pull back and coddle myself again whacking my left arm with my purse.

“Ou,” I say out of habit. I open the clasp and take out my cell. It’s a good phone, classic flip. Everyone tells me to upgrade, that my phone is so outdated. I politely refuse. A smile comes over me as I gaze at its worn edges. You can tell it’s been dropped a lot; mainly because of nights like this. Perhaps it’s time to take a break from the booze, eh sista? “Nah,” I shake my head and laugh.

I flip open my phone to the picture of my sweetie, David. We’ve been dating for a few months now. He gets me. That’s hard to come by when you’re such an interesting and complex minded individual. I wonder if I’ll make it back in time for a New Year’s smooch. I flip my cell closed to see the time. Two minutes left.

“Ah well,” I say, “A little bit late, but a kiss nonetheless.” Just a few more blocks and I’m gonna lay it on him like white on rice! I giggle thinking of the look on his face if I said that to him. He rolls his eyes a lot, but unlike so many others, he smiles and hugs me. I wonder if he’s worried. I wonder if I told him where I was going. Probably not.

Then like a light bulb, “Ohh,” I say. I remember when Niki arrived. I let out a solid laugh, “Damn you woman!” I shake my fists in the air as if she is standing right there. Niki was the culprit who brought the tequila. She knows my affinity towards it. And, of course, she had to buy the good shit, Patron Silver. I recall David, in the corner of the kitchen shaking his head, smiling, as Niki pronounced shot time. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, something about red velvet cake, then it gets hazy.

I must’ve slipped out as no one was watching. The likelihood of anyone, especially David, letting me leave unaccompanied is pretty slim. I gaze up at the stars and am drawn off course, into the park. The moon shines scattered through branches lighting my way. I find an open space between the vast chunks of trees and sit down. The ground feels damp and cold beneath me. I lie back on my arms and just stare.

“This is nice,” I hum to myself. The cold, damp doesn’t bother me because the scene above me is too awesome to care about such insignificant things as warmth. I wonder at the stars above me; each twinkling galaxy. Perhaps it is all just a mirage. Maybe there is no universe! Maybe we never really did go to the moon! It’s like I’m on the Truman Show in my head. I can see it; all of my friends and family are watching behind the scenes, as I fumble around downtown Boise, searching for…David. No. He has to be real. The thought of him, my dearest David, being a phony is just too silly to comprehend. I start to laugh uncontrollably, until the pain comes back to my forehead.

“Uggh” I grope at it for solace. My eyes get heavy and I yawn. Just a short nap couldn’t hurt, I think. I give the stars one last long stare, before I close my eyelids.

Before I know it, a dream takes me away. I see my apartment, filled with people and I’m searching for something I can’t at first place. No one notices as I move through the crowd. I think that’s how ghosts must feel amongst people. Unnoticed amongst a crowd of conversation, but yearning for something, trying to reach out to someone, anyone in a mob of people. Instead, my body just keeps moving; it knows what it’s after, but hasn’t told me yet. I continue on, in eerie spirit form, out of the building to the sidewalk. Cars line the street. It’s dark and chilly, only a few street lights are on and they’re far away. Frost covers several of the windshields ahead of me. I turn back to see the lights and hear a muffled sound of music and chaos emanating from my apartment building.

Something in this view makes my heart ache. ‘What’s missing?’ my spirit-self wonders. I begin to walk woefully away from the apartment, towards the nearest streetlamp. As I look at my folded arms, I realize I’m wearing a jacket, though I feel desperately cold. The street light looks warm and cozy to me and so I move faster to stand beneath it. But it doesn’t help. I’m still frozen. Then a familiar voice calls out my name. I turn around and see him. David. My David. He is running up the street. As his feet hit the sidewalk, he slows down and walks to me. He takes me in his arms and holds me. Suddenly I get it, and warmth consumes me. My eyes burst open at hearing him speak.

“Where have you been?” he asks me, panic in his voice. I apologize and he rushes over to me and scoops me up in his arms. “Do me a favor,” David says pulling me away to look at my face, “don’t do that anymore, eh?”

I smile and wait for his embrace. “Happy New Years,” I whisper. David holds my face, bringing it to his. I am no longer cold.

I open my eyes. Damn. Still here. The crying echoes up from below. It's like I'm twelve again, trapped in this small cell as my own space for solitude. But it's not solitude I crave. I want joy and laughter. I want friendship and chaos, passion and love. Of all things love. Sorry Auntie, I don't need a psychic to tell me what I am searching for or what my reason for life is, my path. I'm just like everyone else, seeking the other half of me. To feel complete. I wonder, will I find them in this lifetime? Will I have to wait, wandering through this life with an endless feeling of loneliness? It nearly hurts to think on this. Not that I don't have options, my pick of the litter in a sense. Just that he wouldn't be the right one. I would get bored, looking into other waters. Someone new to entertain my curious mind. I try not to do this. I love generously, fiercely even. But then, something happens. It floats away, or I wake the fuck up. My whole life I have been searching for this perfect existence with bittersweet moments and lots of laughter. And love. Authentic love. The last time it was disappearing, I told myself it was because, this idea of authentic, true love does not exist. It is a mere chemical reaction in the brain. And yet, time has passed. I am back again to the old hopes and dreams that he is still out there. Foolish, I know. Oh well, I tell myself. I guess it's time to get out of bed, go downstairs, and go back to the sitcom that is my current living situation, and keep searching.

-The Drunken Banana-

Watched the lunar eclipse yesterday, absolutely spectacular. It's pretty amazing what nerds have made possible. Despite the fact that I was not anywhere near a viewing point of the eclipse, I was still able to watch the entire thing. Crazy. I learned some interesting facts and theories, thanks to Bob Berman, the host of the live feed. Like the idea that the moon is romantic and "puts people in the mood," he said something along the lines of safety to perform the act under a full moon over the other phases. And the idea that there are more babies and other weirdness during a full moon. Not true, at least according to several studies done on the subject. I definitely notice a change in the air when there's a full moon out, but I suppose it's all in our heads. Still, it's quite a sight. There was also something he said about the moon moving away from us. Guess that goes with the whole idea that the universe is expanding. Kinda creepy and awesome at the same time. If only we could all sit around once in a while and think about the cosmos, how vast and incomprehensible she is, the little bullshit in life is so over-rated compared to that. I believe we purposefully don't talk or think about these things, because it's too overwhelming. Many of us just aren't ready to study the earth and the universe. We'd rather wrap ourselves up in a security blanket full of crap, to distract ourselves from the underlying truths. I am just as guilty of this. It's frightening to realize how unimportant and small we are on the scale of life and other things. Then again, reality is all that we make it, so who's to say what is real eh? Well, enough jibber jabber. Til next time

-The Drunken Banana-

Summer Chapter

Well lovies, it's been quite an eventful year. Spring has sprung and summer starts another chapter of my life. Hopefully an interesting and inspiring one. I've learned a lot over the last several months. Love is an unfortunate accident. Good friends are forever, so don't lose touch, and family can drive you absolutley insane. Currently, I am enjoying some heat and mosquitos in the Sunshine State. A great escape from the dull life of a closed off student from Boise. I hope to start using this blog more; I'll have to consider it my diary for the summer. The goal for today....find a job. Will post later this week, hopefully with a beer in hand. Have a fabulous Tuesday everyone!

-The Drunken Banana-

To the Ones We Hurt

We have dominated and destroyed
With blazing guns and harsh words
Cultures in turmoil
Where peace once resided

They came on their sailboats and airplanes
Refusing to leave and give you what you want
Independence, freedom and justice for all
Or maybe just for some.

You aren’t worthy enough,
You’re not ready,
You are not capable…
These are their excuses.

We’ll put someone in place.
We’ll make a “democracy”
Maybe in ten or fifteen years they’ll be ready,
But not now.

Their young question and ponder truths
They wonder what can be done to undo so much pain and misery
So many years of torment
Of control
Of bullshit.

We wait for the future
To see what she brings us.
Some believe it doesn’t matter
The world will end soon enough
But what if it doesn’t
Shouldn’t we try?

I hope for something better
I trap myself in my thoughts
There must be something to do
There must be a way to change this.

For the whole world, for the western nations who have conquered and ruined so many lives, I apologize and say we will change the world. We will bring hope and happiness to all! We will try our best to heal those wounds.

Happy October!

The best month of the year is finally here! Bring on the pumpkins and goblins and ghosts! Halloween is a time for us to rejoice! Embrace your fellow neighbor, in their goofy garb, give the kiddies candy (and maybe a scare or two) Look out for Dracul and the Big Bad Wolf, for they are sure to lurk...sing songs and eat your booty, but don't forget to check it first!

A little sloppy Halloween poem...I plan on watching many horror movies this month and attending some awesomely scary houses or cornfields! I wish everyone a happy and exciting October!

My first speeding ticket

Received my first speeding ticket today. I feel as though I am a part of the club now, whatever club that might be...It was incredibly stupid. I'm not sure that I really deserved, but such is life. Better to be stopped while completely sober and making a stupid mistake as going about ten over then stopped because you were swerving and our had a couple too many beers. And I have done that a few times. I consider myself lucky.
I attended a baby shower today. It was nice. Seeing family is always a sweet thing. The whole baby shower bonanza, however, is a little ridiculous. But that's okay. I am a little tipsy, as I seem to be lately when I write so freely. So I begin to contemplate my childhood and all of the things my parents did wrong. Granite I love the both very much and would be devastated at there demise, but, there's always a but...they fucked up royally. For some reason the John Mayer line "father's be good to your daughter's" keeps popping in my head. I suppose I am just thinking about how easily parents don't try with their children today. People take kids for granted so much. They're a fucking gift for fucks sake! Don't lose sight of that! The little bastards didn't ask to be here so don't make them regret it! And by little bastards, I include myself. I am very grateful for the relationship I have with my parents. I only hope that I can help others with their own relationships with their children. Wasting years of something so precious isn't worth it. So...hug your child everyday and tell them how much you love and appreciate them. Listen, don't always talk. Stare at them sometimes, whether it weirds them out or not, and observe your own walking miracle. And don't ever let that love go in you parent child relationship. That is probably the most important relationship in a person's life. And read this people and learn something....